I’ve seen so many posts online from “friends” from school who happen to be in the city only 15 min away from me…”friends” who have passed right through my town without stopping by or getting a coffee or anything. Not that it really matters. I mean these same “friends” haven’t texted me at all since I found out I was sick. I guess what I’m getting at is that it just really sucks when you realize you don’t mean a thing to someone who means so much to you…of the roles were reversed, I’d check up on my friend, and I’d damn sure stop by if I was in town. Even for just a brief coffee date or something. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, I don’t have nearly as many “friends” as I thought I did.

I’ve been through so much in the past year. And I don’t mean just getting sick. I’ve been put through so much from this time last year to now…I’ve hit a wall. I’ve been trying to stay strong for too long. I’m broken. I’m broken and alone.

Two weeks ago (not even) I wasn’t sure I was going to make it. The chemotherapy and cancer were getting the very best of me. I felt like a wilted flower. I couldn’t get out of bed, hell I could barely move at all because of all the pain I was in. My head and lungs felt like they were ready to explode due to lack of oxygen. I was violently puking every time I tried to take a sip of water. I hadn’t eaten in days. I could literally feel my body shutting down. I was so depressed that I was starting to accept the fact that I was dying. I’d be dead soon, and I was beginning to be okay with it; I just needed it to be over. But, after a blood transfusion and several units of saline, my flower self started to slowly perk up. Today, I’m considered “NEC”. Not quite remission, but no evidence of cancer. I’m taking my 7 month old nephew to his first parade today and Monday I get to take my little sister to her first concert. I’m here. I’m alive. I fee better than I have in months, honestly. Still drained, still hurting some,club lungs are still very inflamed making it difficult to breathe, but I’m here. I’m here and I can continue to make memories with those dear to me. One more surgery and one month of radiation therapy and hopefully I’ll be “in remission”. I’m kicking cancers ass. I’m here for a reason. I’m strong. I’m invincible. I’m a survivor.

This sucks ass

I was so excited to read this new book…but my eyes can’t focus on the print. All I can see are black and white dots flashing where the words should be. Stupid fucking chemotherapy. I want my vision. I want to read. I need to read. I need an escape…I’m tired of television.

Well damn

I finished chemo! I have a clean scan! But I have a month of intense radiation therapy..why? Oh and I have permanent lung inflammation thanks to the bleomycin…..kinda hard to be happy about how far I’ve come when I have so far to go and irreversible damage bc of it


A Maldives beach awash in bioluminescent Phytoplankton looks like an ocean of stars

(via scootftw)


Imagine being given a list of all the people who made you into the person you are today. And next to their name you could see the exact personality trait you got because of them.

(via infamous-smile)

Without suffering there would be no compassion

This quote has taken on a new meaning now that im the one suffering. Everyone tells me God will make me stronger..blah blah blah..then why haven’t I been able to get out of bed since Friday? Why do I get weaker and weaker each day? Fuck your compassion, I want my health back. I want my life back.